@KATHRYN HARDY
 @DATA TYPE: RETROSPECTIVE
@LANGUAGE: ENGLISH
@COUNTRY: FRANCE
@PARTICIPANTS: S 
@SETTING: PRIVATE
@TIME: LATE
@SCHOOL: SECONDARY

1. Reflecting on live recording

* Way he starts, as if talking to a student.
* First question I don't understand - "What sort of activities do you think you'd like to do most?" - "activities" -  I didn't know how to answer the question. I wasn't prepared for this - obviously I just thought I would be teaching English.  I hadn't even thought about getting involved in music.
* Erm, um, hesitations all the time.
* "I want you to feel you can say anything to me" - ironic.  "Any criticism is welcome" - I could never criticise him.
* Friendly question "How have you settled in so far?"  I relax a bit more.  When talking about the Polish assistant, I think he is hinting about the fact that she makes an effort - suggesting that I should do the same.
* He does make jokes, relaxes atmosphere.
* My voice - very shaky, quiet, monotonous.
* Suggestions for social life - hopeful but not useful as unapproachable teachers.
* He admits Civray is cut off - we laugh, but it is ironic that he says "We hope you won't become too depressed and leave us half way through the year!"
* "Try not to sit like a potato ... you are here to help them ..." as if he is thinking I would be like this.
* Nice to warn me that the students don't like talking, and the warning about his style of teaching.
* Asks me to keep record of lesson intentions and reflections - I did but he never asked again.
* Opportunity to ask questions/ say anything - my mind blank.
* Does explain module lessons, bac exams.
* Would have liked him to say you will have one week of observation.
* I definitely did not give the right impression of myself.  I knew from starting university that I am never confident in a new situation so I wanted to try my hardest to be assertive and talkative.  However, this recording clearly shows that I wasn't, at all - I think this was partly the fact that the tape was rolling, but mainly the way I felt around Gavin, because things didn't really change off the tape.
* I don't think there was complete mutual understanding because I didn't understand/ wasn't prepared for some of the questions he asked me.  He was probably hoping I would be more confident and talkative.
* I was satisfied that we had discussed the things we did but I wanted to show him I was prepared for teaching and willing to help as much as possible.
* I was hoping things would have improved with time after the recording.
* Have never had regular timetable.  "What do you want to come to?"
* I still had no idea of difference between BTS, terminales, etc
* Timetable set last hour on a Friday - if I asked earlier he said he wasn't ready
* Mme D said straight away Tues, Thurs, Fri and gave lists.
* When do you want free hours to fit around activities - no activities.
* Forgot to fill timetable completely and then asks where I was.

2.   Reflecting on relationship with responsable

a)  development of relationship

* Initial impression - very patronising - went to kiss - "Oh OK we won't bother with that then, you'll have to get used to that you know".  Car journey home - not much effort made to make conversation, just told stories about his problems with teaching system and I had no opportunity to speak other than to add comments like "Oh!  Really!"
* My impression did not change over time.  He remained intimidating and I think this is because he judged me from our first meeting, in which I tried my hardest to be confident but didn't feel he allowed me to be.  He didn't give me much chance to develop my relationship with him because he assumed from the beginning that I would stay that way for the rest of the year.
* My last logbook entry says that Gavin came to see me play at a concert at Christmas.  I have continued notes after this, but obviously my decision to leave has changed our relationship.  He wasn't happy with my choice, and said in an email that he was upset that I "chose" not to discuss my problems with him.  Firstly, it wasn't that I chose not to, but rather that I felt I couldn't.  Secondly, although I had other problems, I couldn't tell him that he was a problem himself!
* I do not have any regrets about leaving my post and I feel a lot freer because I no longer feel under the pressure of intimidation.  Looking back, it is true that Gavin came and picked me up from the airport.  It's also true that I went to his house on Saturday, and he did say that I could ask him anything.  However, I really feel that as opposed to being from the goodness of his heart, he did this because he knew he was part of the PIC project and his actions would be reported on.
I also have an idea that he volunteered to be part of the project simply in order to encourage the headmaster and the other English teachers to be more enthusiastic about the assistant.  Two of the other teachers hardly used me (one not at all) and the headmaster really doesn't care about having an assistant.
* I think the logbook is an accurate representation of the way I felt when with Gavin.  Thinking back, there are a couple of things I missed out.  One thing which really upset me happened in the staffroom.  I was in a queue for the photocopier before a lesson and Gavin saw me in it.  There were several teachers in front and behind me, and so several of us were still there for a few minutes after the bell had rung.  I rushed back into the staffroom to get my bag and Gavin was on a free lesson having a coffee with other teachers.  He shouted "You're late!" and translated so the whole room had its eyes on me.  I felt this was very inconsiderate on Gavin's part as he knew I am easily embarrassed.
* I was hoping that participating in the PIC project would make everything run smoothly.  It did, in that everyone knew I was coming and my role was fairly well defined.  However, as I have said, I honestly feel Gavin was simply saying things like "You can tell me your problems" because he knew I was writing about him.  Our relationship did get more relaxed at certain points, and for me personally, it was great to be able to get down in words the way he made me feel.

(b) misunderstandings/ communication difficulties

* We had some misunderstandings because of the way Gavin worded something, or the way I said something and he didn't understand.  The main communication difficulty was of personality.  I should perhaps have made more of an effort to be more forthcoming and assertive, but I felt Gavin had judged me from our first meeting and had no patience for someone with low confidence.



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